lead with love 

Mercury is in retrograde and I have never felt it as much as I have this time around. Nearly every person I talk to is going through dark days, unsure of why it’s happening or how to fix it. One thing after the other has been tearing me down. I’ve felt alone, no matter what company may be around. When I did reach out to someone, I only felt rejected and inadequate. I was being “annoying” and that made me feel so much worse. Being vulnerable and confiding in someone is so hard and when you don’t feel accepted, it’s even harder.

But I know this, it has to get better. At some point, when you’ve learned whatever you’re supposed to from the shit thrown at you, it will get better.

Please know that how others treat you has nothing to do with you, and be aware of how you’re treating those around you. I’m constantly reminding myself of both these things.

There is a full moon coming up and with that, Mercury is about ready to calm the hell down. All of the exhausting mental activity and doubts will finally come to a resolve if you allow them to. It may not end how you’d like, but it will be for the best. Full Moons create closure and bring things to another level. Allow yourself the closure you need to progress.

“When we are thrown to the wolves it’s only a matter of time before we come back leading the pack.”

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a christmas reunion

this christmas is already turning out to be one for the books.

my entire life there has been this empty feeling inside not knowing my father or his side of the family. luckily, i have my mother and our amazing family i’ve been loved by since day one. still, that curiosity has always been there, in the back of my mind.

i have random memories of him (which is crazy because i was about 2 the last time i saw him) and a home video from christmas that year. other than that, i haven’t seen him since and knew nothing about him other than his name.

on my 16th birthday, as my best friend and i were working at the community pool, we pulled out the phone book (probably the last time i used one) and searched for his name.

we found it.

within a few minutes, i was talking to my biological father and learning about my family, including my brothers, matt and jacob, and sister, morgan. i can’t remember what else we talked about, but it blew my mind. a few days later, as my friend and i were driving to jonesboro, my phone rang and it was my brother, matt. we ended up meeting him and his girlfriend, ashley. i haven’t seen them since, but ashley and matt married and i have two adorable nephews, brooks and beck. we would randomly keep in touch, but moving to utah hindered us seeing each other.

as time went on this would be something i wouldn’t talk to many people about. i’m not sure why, really. it could be because i didn’t know where to begin or what to say. or maybe i wasn’t wanting to accept it. either way, it’s just been something i’ve kept to myself. with that being said…

flash forward to saturday, december 19th.

after hearing from him on thanksgiving and unable to meet him, i talked with my father and told him i was interested in meeting with everyone. he was so happy and more than willing. then, last night as i was driving the 3+ hours from fayetteville to my hometown, i decided to see if he would want to meet when i went through harrison. he did. and we did.

i can’t explain how it felt because i think i’m still in shock.

it’s a very surreal thing to think about. having this entire side of the family you’ve never known and who has never known you, but i’m grateful.

so, thanks to those who have listened to me freaking out over the last couple days, even if you didn’t know what to say. it’s definitely shown me who is there and who cares, and for that i’m grateful.

it seems like i’ll be meeting a few others this week, so we’ll see how it all goes haha.

until then, here’s a photo of my father and me, 27 years later.

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merriest christmas to you and yours

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look forward.

As humans, I believe we are innately negative, always quick to criticize and kick ourselves when we’re most vulnerable. In all things there must be a balance of forces, energies, etc. If we are the negative, then what is the positive? In my eyes the balance is the universe and nature. I am most happy and at peace when I am outside soaking in the replenishing sunlight or enjoying the white, crisp beauty of winter. Even the calming stillness of the night comforts my weary mind. Sitting on this porch right now I can see all the colors changing around me. This is much like myself. I’m working towards this transformation and understanding of the person I am supposed to be. As the leaves transform so do my thoughts and personal expectations. Now is the time for me to let go of all that has been holding me back: fear, resentment, doubt, and uncertainty. With the passing of summer and color comes the passing of the things that were a hindrance in me moving forward. For me, the winter months are a time of reflecting and rebuilding. Preparing you for the next phase of life. I will seek shelter and comfort in myself because I know I’m capable of it. I am strong enough. I have family and friends and I’m so thankful for them, but working on me is the most important. If you’re unable to let go of the weight of negativity and let the universe balance you out, then you’re not going to fully enjoy what life has to offer. A close friend recently told me that I needed to allow myself to feel and have emotions instead of shutting it all down. The more you push sadness and pain aside, the more it builds up. Feel it when it comes and allow the positive aspects of life to help you work through it. I look forward in anticipation. I have been given so many great things in life so far, and I know it will only get better. All the ebbs and flows in this life tally up to make you the person you are supposed to be. Let the bad days come, then let them go. Let them go. Stay focused on the goodness ahead and it will be there.10460227_10152858497787847_5212927238935628986_n

these girls

I’m not sure I can explain in a few sentences how much this girl means to me. We’ve known each other since we were just babies, and here we are 25 years later. We became friends like most toddlers do … one hitting the other and the other biting back. We’ve seen each other’s darkest days and we’ve both made it out alive, healthier and happier. Many people reading this probably won’t know all this girl has been through, but I do, and to see her now, this happy, puts the warmest feeling in my heart. This little girl has saved her and she doesn’t even know it. One day I hope she comes to know and understand all the trials her momma has been through for her to be here. I look forward to watching this baby grow, even if it’s from across the country. I also look forward to seeing her momma grow and become the person she probably thought she’d never be a year ago.