I’m searching and praying and hoping for something
I know I’m gon’ see it, I know that it’s coming
But what do you do when there’s no place to turn?
I have no one, I’m lonely, my bridges have burnt down
The bells getting loud, ain’t nowhere to hide
Got nowhere to go, put away my pride
Tired of feeling low even when I’m high
Ain’t no way to live, do I wanna die?
I don’t know, I don’t know
– J. Cole
The words of his songs, especially this one, ring so true that I feel my eardrums may burst every time I listen.
I haven’t written since August 22, 2017, and so many things have happened in the meantime.
January came around and within one week I learned of 3 deaths that impacted myself and many friends.
Drugs, mental illness, overall hopelessness…
3 young souls thought there was no way out.
This isn’t the first time I’ve experienced this. In fact, I’ve had 3 suicides in my own family.
I was 12…13…then 23 when they happened.
I will forever remember, just like everyone else who was affected, the moment I found out about each one.
I, myself, have dealt with the lonely thoughts of despair. When you honestly feel as if the best thing for everyone involved is to just disappear, be gone.
I know that hopelessness. I also know the heartache on the other side felt by the loved ones left behind. The unanswered questions. The constant wondering why.
Being on this side of everything has been my reason for always holding on and fighting through the bullshit we all go through day to day. It is very easy to compare traumas and bad days. The things I get upset about at times make me feel crazy. I think to myself, “why are you getting so worked up about this situation when far worse things are happening to those around you?”.
The thing is, it doesn’t matter. Your worst days may very well be someone else’s best days. Does that invalidate what you’re going through? No.
Not. At. All.
For as much heartache and shitty situations we all go through, there are that many good things to look forward to and people who want to be there and tell you that you’re worth it.
We are all so damn worth it (as I sit here repeating that to myself out loud). In those dark moments, I promise you this, there are many people rooting for you and loving you when you may not be doing the same for yourself.
I’m going to end my rambling with a quote that I always try to remember on my darkest days…
“Where there is love, nothing is too much trouble and there is always time.”