as 2019 comes to an end i’m filled with bittersweet memories. this year was full of adversity and heartache. i thought i’d experienced it before, and i had, but this year brought different levels of loss i wasn’t prepared for. in january i formed this friendship i wasn’t expecting. it was long-distance and my feelings grew quickly. it was never stable but i was open and vulnerable without regret. i learned so much in ways i can’t put into words. that’s part of emotions, though. some aren’t meant to be shared, but felt. that person was there for me throughout the year, here and there. along the way i learned more about who i am and want to be. i learned that i can only take things as they come and move forward, but not too fast…we still have to live in the moment. there’s a fine line between the past and future and it’s the present. but how fucking hard is it to live in the present? it’s easier to be caught up in past mistakes or worried about the future than it is to focus on the here and now. as i continued through the year i realized i needed to break ties with people, friends, that i’d had for years. the space i thought was a safe zone was only holding me back and continuing to remind me of my past self. i let go of her awhile ago, even though she tried to hang on. sometimes you think you must move, change your environment, the people you’re around…but the true release is letting go of the version of yourself you’ve outgrown.


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