as 2019 comes to an end i’m filled with bittersweet memories. this year was full of adversity and heartache. i thought i’d experienced it before, and i had, but this year brought different levels of loss i wasn’t prepared for. in january i formed this friendship i wasn’t expecting. it was long-distance and my feelings grew quickly. it was never stable but i was open and vulnerable without regret. i learned so much in ways i can’t put into words. that’s part of emotions, though. some aren’t meant to be shared, but felt. that person was there for me throughout the year, here and there. along the way i learned more about who i am and want to be. i learned that i can only take things as they come and move forward, but not too fast…we still have to live in the moment. there’s a fine line between the past and future and it’s the present. but how fucking hard is it to live in the present? it’s easier to be caught up in past mistakes or worried about the future than it is to focus on the here and now. as i continued through the year i realized i needed to break ties with people, friends, that i’d had for years. the space i thought was a safe zone was only holding me back and continuing to remind me of my past self. i let go of her awhile ago, even though she tried to hang on. sometimes you think you must move, change your environment, the people you’re around…but the true release is letting go of the version of yourself you’ve outgrown.
I have books stacked on books. Most I haven’t read all the way through. Some I’ve bought just because of the sheer complexity.
I can sit and analyze one page over and over, trying to understand. Did I miss something in the pages before? Context clues are written all over so why isn’t it making sense?
Then I realize I’m trying to make sense of it all instead of letting the story play out.
One page may be full of things you don’t understand, but when you see what led to that it starts to come together.
Little by little.
You start seeing the correlation in things and how different characters come together to tell the story. It takes questioning, doubt, love, key players, vulnerability, and the list goes on.
Don’t get stuck on the day to day.
Remember how far you’ve come. Please.
And know your worth and what you have to offer.
And never stop writing your story.
i wrote this almost 10 years ago. i’m reposting to dedicate it to my mother because she is the absolute strongest person i’ve ever known. this is also dedicated to the only father i’ve ever known. when my biological father was nowhere in sight for years, my dad walked in and chose to be there when he didn’t have to take on that responsibility. i’m so grateful for you both. momma, dad, i love you.
april 7, 2009
the images have faded
but i remember one thing
i remember loving them
and leaving them
all the while not knowing
lincoln logs and you
would i never see again
time does pass
wounds eventually heal
though questions still remain
that would be the greatest one
i can smile knowing that i had her
she had strength which i’ll never grasp
a heart which seemed unbreakable
you leaving led me to where i am now
confounded at times, but mostly okay
luckily you left early enough
i only miss the lincoln logs
it’s been five years since i moved back to fayetteville. i know that i have learned a lot along the way, yet i still have miles to go…but who doesn’t? it’s easy to get lost in the process, question yourself, and wonder if you’re still on the right path. we are always our own worst critics, always seeking validation from anything but ourselves.
growing up, most of us thought quicksand would be more of a problem than it ever was, but i’ve realized that quicksand is very real. it’s what you feel when you want to move forward but are unsure of the best route to take. you’re reaching for something you know is there, yet you haven’t grasped the surface. you’re pulling yourself up and hoping to see the light. you reach and reach but still feel stuck.
the light is there. it’s always been there.
the feeling of being stuck and dragged down is only the insecurities taking over. we must pull ourselves out, however hard it may seem, and continue moving forward. move toward the light within ourselves, the self-love and acceptance we all deserve.
never stop moving forward. never stop reaching for that light.