little by little

I have books stacked on books. Most I haven’t read all the way through. Some I’ve bought just because of the sheer complexity.

I can sit and analyze one page over and over, trying to understand. Did I miss something in the pages before? Context clues are written all over so why isn’t it making sense?

Then I realize I’m trying to make sense of it all instead of letting the story play out.

One page may be full of things you don’t understand, but when you see what led to that it starts to come together.

Little by little.

You start seeing the correlation in things and how different characters come together to tell the story. It takes questioning, doubt, love, key players, vulnerability, and the list goes on.

Don’t get stuck on the day to day.

Remember how far you’ve come. Please.

And know your worth and what you have to offer.

And never stop writing your story.

my strength

i wrote this almost 10 years ago. i’m reposting to dedicate it to my mother because she is the absolute strongest person i’ve ever known. this is also dedicated to the only father i’ve ever known. when my biological father was nowhere in sight for years, my dad walked in and chose to be there when he didn’t have to take on that responsibility. i’m so grateful for you both. momma, dad, i love you.

april 7, 2009

the images have faded
but i remember one thing
lincoln logs
i remember loving them
and leaving them
all the while not knowing
lincoln logs and you
would i never see again
time does pass
wounds eventually heal
though questions still remain
why?
that would be the greatest one
i can smile knowing that i had her
she had strength which i’ll never grasp
a heart which seemed unbreakable
seemed
you leaving led me to where i am now
confounded at times, but mostly okay
luckily you left early enough
i only miss the lincoln logs

 

quicksand

it’s been five years since i moved back to fayetteville. i know that i have learned a lot along the way, yet i still have miles to go…but who doesn’t? it’s easy to get lost in the process, question yourself, and wonder if you’re still on the right path. we are always our own worst critics, always seeking validation from anything but ourselves.

growing up, most of us thought quicksand would be more of a problem than it ever was, but i’ve realized that quicksand is very real. it’s what you feel when you want to move forward but are unsure of the best route to take. you’re reaching for something you know is there, yet you haven’t grasped the surface. you’re pulling yourself up and hoping to see the light. you reach and reach but still feel stuck.

the light is there. it’s always been there.

the feeling of being stuck and dragged down is only the insecurities taking over. we must pull ourselves out, however hard it may seem, and continue moving forward. move toward the light within ourselves, the self-love and acceptance we all deserve.

never stop moving forward. never stop reaching for that light.

sig11

6:18

it’s very difficult for me to realize that not everyone cares to the same extent that i do.

actually, they may care the same amount, but in a different way.

i’ve read books, listened to podcasts, etc.

i still have people telling me that i shouldn’t get so upset about things, but it’s a hard thing for me to grasp and apply to my life.

i take offense, assume, and worry about things i have no control over.

…or tell myself i have no control over.

i’ve realized this is a pattern in my life, but i’ve always been self-aware enough to talk about it.

addressing our own demons is a difficult thing to do and it’s a long process. we all have these demons…some may be more prevalent than others but they are real. very real.

it’s very easy to get down and beat ourselves up when we slip back into our insecurities and doubts.

let me say this, though. if we think back on everything that has led us to where we are now…how much time it has taken for us to build up doubts within ourselves that others may not know we have…

are we allowing ourselves the time to work through these demons, self-doubts, and insecurities?

this isn’t an overnight resolve. it’s a constant process. it involves us loving ourselves enough to admit our faults, but also knowing they do not define us.

we are never failing as long as we continue working to become our best selves.

i know baby joss would tell me and everyone else that everything will be okay.

please know this, recognize this, and let’s do our best to practice this,

i’m rooting for us.

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