my strength

i wrote this almost 10 years ago. i’m reposting to dedicate it to my mother because she is the absolute strongest person i’ve ever known. this is also dedicated to the only father i’ve ever known. when my biological father was nowhere in sight for years, my dad walked in and chose to be there when he didn’t have to take on that responsibility. i’m so grateful for you both. momma, dad, i love you.

april 7, 2009

the images have faded
but i remember one thing
lincoln logs
i remember loving them
and leaving them
all the while not knowing
lincoln logs and you
would i never see again
time does pass
wounds eventually heal
though questions still remain
why?
that would be the greatest one
i can smile knowing that i had her
she had strength which i’ll never grasp
a heart which seemed unbreakable
seemed
you leaving led me to where i am now
confounded at times, but mostly okay
luckily you left early enough
i only miss the lincoln logs

 

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quicksand

it’s been five years since i moved back to fayetteville. i know that i have learned a lot along the way, yet i still have miles to go…but who doesn’t? it’s easy to get lost in the process, question yourself, and wonder if you’re still on the right path. we are always our own worst critics, always seeking validation from anything but ourselves.

growing up, most of us thought quicksand would be more of a problem than it ever was, but i’ve realized that quicksand is very real. it’s what you feel when you want to move forward but are unsure of the best route to take. you’re reaching for something you know is there, yet you haven’t grasped the surface. you’re pulling yourself up and hoping to see the light. you reach and reach but still feel stuck.

the light is there. it’s always been there.

the feeling of being stuck and dragged down is only the insecurities taking over. we must pull ourselves out, however hard it may seem, and continue moving forward. move toward the light within ourselves, the self-love and acceptance we all deserve.

never stop moving forward. never stop reaching for that light.

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6:18

it’s very difficult for me to realize that not everyone cares to the same extent that i do.

actually, they may care the same amount, but in a different way.

i’ve read books, listened to podcasts, etc.

i still have people telling me that i shouldn’t get so upset about things, but it’s a hard thing for me to grasp and apply to my life.

i take offense, assume, and worry about things i have no control over.

…or tell myself i have no control over.

i’ve realized this is a pattern in my life, but i’ve always been self-aware enough to talk about it.

addressing our own demons is a difficult thing to do and it’s a long process. we all have these demons…some may be more prevalent than others but they are real. very real.

it’s very easy to get down and beat ourselves up when we slip back into our insecurities and doubts.

let me say this, though. if we think back on everything that has led us to where we are now…how much time it has taken for us to build up doubts within ourselves that others may not know we have…

are we allowing ourselves the time to work through these demons, self-doubts, and insecurities?

this isn’t an overnight resolve. it’s a constant process. it involves us loving ourselves enough to admit our faults, but also knowing they do not define us.

we are never failing as long as we continue working to become our best selves.

i know baby joss would tell me and everyone else that everything will be okay.

please know this, recognize this, and let’s do our best to practice this,

i’m rooting for us.

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I’m searching and praying and hoping for something
I know I’m gon’ see it, I know that it’s coming
Lord, Lord
But what do you do when there’s no place to turn?
I have no one, I’m lonely, my bridges have burnt down
Lord, Lord
The bells getting loud, ain’t nowhere to hide
Got nowhere to go, put away my pride
Tired of feeling low even when I’m high
Ain’t no way to live, do I wanna die?
I don’t know, I don’t know

– J. Cole

The words of his songs, especially this one, ring so true that I feel my eardrums may burst every time I listen.

I haven’t written since August 22, 2017, and so many things have happened in the meantime.
January came around and within one week I learned of 3 deaths that impacted myself and many friends.
Drugs, mental illness, overall hopelessness…
3 young souls thought there was no way out.
This isn’t the first time I’ve experienced this. In fact, I’ve had 3 suicides in my own family.
I was 12…13…then 23 when they happened.
I will forever remember, just like everyone else who was affected, the moment I found out about each one.
I, myself, have dealt with the lonely thoughts of despair. When you honestly feel as if the best thing for everyone involved is to just disappear, be gone.
I know that hopelessness. I also know the heartache on the other side felt by the loved ones left behind. The unanswered questions. The constant wondering why.
Being on this side of everything has been my reason for always holding on and fighting through the bullshit we all go through day to day. It is very easy to compare traumas and bad days. The things I get upset about at times make me feel crazy. I think to myself, “why are you getting so worked up about this situation when far worse things are happening to those around you?”.
The thing is, it doesn’t matter. Your worst days may very well be someone else’s best days. Does that invalidate what you’re going through? No.
Not. At. All.
For as much heartache and shitty situations we all go through, there are that many good things to look forward to and people who want to be there and tell you that you’re worth it.
We are all so damn worth it (as I sit here repeating that to myself out loud). In those dark moments, I promise you this, there are many people rooting for you and loving you when you may not be doing the same for yourself.
I’m going to end my rambling with a quote that I always try to remember on my darkest days…

“Where there is love, nothing is too much trouble and there is always time.”

― Abdu’l-Bahá

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