letting go has been a constant theme in my life. letting go of expectations, hurt, fear of the unknown, etc. but i’m beginning to just let it be. no changing, no fixing, no seeking for a way to resolve all the problems. when you do this, when you allow yourself to rest and have peace within yourself, then you allow room for personal growth and self-love.
recently, i’ve been reading about the art of happiness and how it comes about. many people have told me to “just be happy”, but this isn’t a simple thing for everyone. i mean, i’m not an unhappy person and i’m grateful for many things in my life, but at times little things creep in before i even realize it. clouded by our doubts and worries, it’s difficult to see through to the other side. as much as i try to be positive, i’ve realized that many things come from the negativity around me. i am someone who cares fully in everything i do, my heart is big and i give even when it’s not wanted. but trying to force friendships, relationships, or anything else in life that isn’t good for either party involved will only end badly until you’re able to see what you were supposed to learn. when you’re told you’re too emotional, too sensitive, too this or too that, you begin to dim your light and the insecurities overcome you. you start thinking anything you do isn’t good enough. trying to fit into someone else’s mold will never allow you to reach your full potential.
and what are we doing if not trying to reach our full potential?
everything in life is meant to push you in some direction, but it’s up to you if you’re going to allow yourself to be pushed forward or backward.
take time to accept things as they are, to just let it be, and see the best in every situation. i promise you’ll be able to find something positive, even in the worst moments. once you do this, make a plan and be proactive in living your best life. everything else will fall into place.
if one quote could sum up this year it is this:
“these mountains you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb”
how often do we hold on and fight without realizing we’re fighting against nothing? the things we’re holding on to have let go long ago and we are drowning ourselves in our own pride, afraid to fail and barely staying above water. i’ve written about letting go before but there is always something to let go of, don’t you think? i fell in love, fell apart, and fell back together in so many ways over the last 12 months. i brought things into this year that should’ve been left in the year before. i thought i knew what rock bottom was until i was actually there and i’ve spent the last 5 months digging myself out.
i can say that i am leaving this year as a completely different version of myself than how i entered.
turning 30 has shown me how much age doesn’t matter. how i can still call my mom crying, wishing she could fix everything with a band-aid. that you still get crushes and get crushed. that you don’t have everything figured out when you think you will. above all, it has shown me that not everyone is on your side and will stick by when it all falls apart. and that’s okay.
30 has been the perfect year to redefine my close circle.
you will not be understood by everyone, but man did i spend a lot of time trying to make people understand. to sympathize. to be there. when those people were temporary and never supposed to stay to see me at my best. the ones who immediately tear you down or question you, instead of lifting you up and believing in you, those are the temporary ones…meant to stay for a lesson but not a lifetime.
forcing things, relationships, jobs, etc. not aligned with your vision will never work out.
so stop carrying it all,
stop trying so damn hard,
and lay down the mountains.
it’s been so long that my own blog seems foreign to me. do you ever get to thinking things are so good that you’ve neglected things that matter along the way? my blog is what i’ve neglected. this is my online journal. because, through everything, i’ve realized – what is the point of going through anything if you can’t share it and help others? i could easily write this down on paper and keep it tucked away…but why? the last several months have been a whirlwind. i have been on the brink of death – physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally – yet here i am, typing this to whomever wants to read it. most of the time, my blog has seemed negative to a lot of people and that’s fine. i address the reality of my life, of mental illness, and real struggles. i welcome peoples’ heartache and trials and love when they feel they can reach to me as a safe ground to discuss the inner workings of their minds. because on the other side is joy and love. i could ramble on and on but I just want y’all to know to keep going. there’s a reason i have that tattooed on my arm. keep going. we are not finished. our stories have so much more to tell.
this is my fourth week in texas and i’m slowly wrapping my head around it. it’s hot, it’s filled with traffic, and it’s not pretty like home in arkansas. but even though coming here was very last minute, it was very much needed. mentally i’ve been back and forth almost every day sorting through my thoughts about life here. i miss the comfort of fayetteville but i needed to break out of that comfort zone. that is such a hard thing for me to do. i had to, though. i needed to push myself to become a better person. a more lovable, positive version of myself. i was not only hurting myself but taking it out on others around me. no one deserves that. it’s crazy how different i feel now. when you allow for the time to be selfish and truly focus on your own happiness, it’s amazing how much you learn about who you are and what you have to offer. i have a lot more to give than i ever truly understood, but i had to make sure i was taking care of myself first. when i began learning how to depend on myself emotionally and that i am in control of so much more than i realized, things started making a lot more sense. every relationship, whether platonic or romantic, took on a whole new meaning and i understood things on a much deeper level. i am so excited to see what this time in my life has in store. things keep falling into place when i thought everything was falling apart. sometimes it happens that way, though.
in the meantime, everyone pray i don’t have a heat stroke.