I’m searching and praying and hoping for something
I know I’m gon’ see it, I know that it’s coming
Lord, Lord
But what do you do when there’s no place to turn?
I have no one, I’m lonely, my bridges have burnt down
Lord, Lord
The bells getting loud, ain’t nowhere to hide
Got nowhere to go, put away my pride
Tired of feeling low even when I’m high
Ain’t no way to live, do I wanna die?
I don’t know, I don’t know

– J. Cole

The words of his songs, especially this one, ring so true that I feel my eardrums may burst every time I listen.

I haven’t written since August 22, 2017, and so many things have happened in the meantime.
January came around and within one week I learned of 3 deaths that impacted myself and many friends.
Drugs, mental illness, overall hopelessness…
3 young souls thought there was no way out.
This isn’t the first time I’ve experienced this. In fact, I’ve had 3 suicides in my own family.
I was 12…13…then 23 when they happened.
I will forever remember, just like everyone else who was affected, the moment I found out about each one.
I, myself, have dealt with the lonely thoughts of despair. When you honestly feel as if the best thing for everyone involved is to just disappear, be gone.
I know that hopelessness. I also know the heartache on the other side felt by the loved ones left behind. The unanswered questions. The constant wondering why.
Being on this side of everything has been my reason for always holding on and fighting through the bullshit we all go through day to day. It is very easy to compare traumas and bad days. The things I get upset about at times make me feel crazy. I think to myself, “why are you getting so worked up about this situation when far worse things are happening to those around you?”.
The thing is, it doesn’t matter. Your worst days may very well be someone else’s best days. Does that invalidate what you’re going through? No.
Not. At. All.
For as much heartache and shitty situations we all go through, there are that many good things to look forward to and people who want to be there and tell you that you’re worth it.
We are all so damn worth it (as I sit here repeating that to myself out loud). In those dark moments, I promise you this, there are many people rooting for you and loving you when you may not be doing the same for yourself.
I’m going to end my rambling with a quote that I always try to remember on my darkest days…

“Where there is love, nothing is too much trouble and there is always time.”

― Abdu’l-Bahá

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12:44

FullSizeRenderletting go has been a constant theme in my life. letting go of expectations, hurt, fear of the unknown, etc. but i’m beginning to just let it be. no changing, no fixing, no seeking for a way to resolve all the problems. when you do this, when you allow yourself to rest and have peace within yourself, then you allow room for personal growth and self-love.

recently, i’ve been reading about the art of happiness and how it comes about. many people have told me to “just be happy”, but this isn’t a simple thing for everyone. i mean, i’m not an unhappy person and i’m grateful for many things in my life, but at times little things creep in before i even realize it. clouded by our doubts and worries, it’s difficult to see through to the other side. as much as i try to be positive, i’ve realized that many things come from the negativity around me. i am someone who cares fully in everything i do, my heart is big and i give even when it’s not wanted. but trying to force friendships, relationships, or anything else in life that isn’t good for either party involved will only end badly until you’re able to see what you were supposed to learn. when you’re told you’re too emotional, too sensitive, too this or too that, you begin to dim your light and the insecurities overcome you. you start thinking anything you do isn’t good enough. trying to fit into someone else’s mold will never allow you to reach your full potential.

and what are we doing if not trying to reach our full potential?

everything in life is meant to push you in some direction, but it’s up to you if you’re going to allow yourself to be pushed forward or backward.

take time to accept things as they are, to just let it be, and see the best in every situation. i promise you’ll be able to find something positive, even in the worst moments. once you do this, make a plan and be proactive in living your best life. everything else will fall into place.

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mountains

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if one quote could sum up this year it is this:

“these mountains you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb”

how often do we hold on and fight without realizing we’re fighting against nothing? the things we’re holding on to have let go long ago and we are drowning ourselves in our own pride, afraid to fail and barely staying above water. i’ve written about letting go before but there is always something to let go of, don’t you think? i fell in love, fell apart, and fell back together in so many ways over the last 12 months. i brought things into this year that should’ve been left in the year before. i thought i knew what rock bottom was until i was actually there and i’ve spent the last 5 months digging myself out.

i can say that i am leaving this year as a completely different version of myself than how i entered.

turning 30 has shown me how much age doesn’t matter. how i can still call my mom crying, wishing she could fix everything with a band-aid. that you still get crushes and get crushed. that you don’t have everything figured out when you think you will. above all, it has shown me that not everyone is on your side and will stick by when it all falls apart. and that’s okay.

30 has been the perfect year to redefine my close circle.

you will not be understood by everyone, but man did i spend a lot of time trying to make people understand. to sympathize. to be there. when those people were temporary and never supposed to stay to see me at my best. the ones who immediately tear you down or question you, instead of lifting you up and believing in you, those are the temporary ones…meant to stay for a lesson but not a lifetime.

forcing things, relationships, jobs, etc. not aligned with your vision will never work out.

so stop carrying it all,
stop trying so damn hard,
and lay down the mountains.

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2:20

it’s been so long that my own blog seems foreign to me. do you ever get to thinking things are so good that you’ve neglected things that matter along the way? my blog is what i’ve neglected. this is my online journal. because, through everything, i’ve realized – what is the point of going through anything if you can’t share it and help others? i could easily write this down on paper and keep it tucked away…but why? the last several months have been a whirlwind. i have been on the brink of death – physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally – yet here i am, typing this to whomever wants to read it. most of the time, my blog has seemed negative to a lot of people and that’s fine. i address the reality of my life, of mental illness, and real struggles. i welcome peoples’ heartache and trials and love when they feel they can reach to me as a safe ground to discuss the inner workings of their minds. because on the other side is joy and love. i could ramble on and on but I just want y’all to know to keep going. there’s a reason i have that tattooed on my arm. keep going. we are not finished. our stories have so much more to tell.