lead with love 

Mercury is in retrograde and I have never felt it as much as I have this time around. Nearly every person I talk to is going through dark days, unsure of why it’s happening or how to fix it. One thing after the other has been tearing me down. I’ve felt alone, no matter what company may be around. When I did reach out to someone, I only felt rejected and inadequate. I was being “annoying” and that made me feel so much worse. Being vulnerable and confiding in someone is so hard and when you don’t feel accepted, it’s even harder.

But I know this, it has to get better. At some point, when you’ve learned whatever you’re supposed to from the shit thrown at you, it will get better.

Please know that how others treat you has nothing to do with you, and be aware of how you’re treating those around you. I’m constantly reminding myself of both these things.

There is a full moon coming up and with that, Mercury is about ready to calm the hell down. All of the exhausting mental activity and doubts will finally come to a resolve if you allow them to. It may not end how you’d like, but it will be for the best. Full Moons create closure and bring things to another level. Allow yourself the closure you need to progress.

“When we are thrown to the wolves it’s only a matter of time before we come back leading the pack.”

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a christmas reunion

this christmas is already turning out to be one for the books.

my entire life there has been this empty feeling inside not knowing my father or his side of the family. luckily, i have my mother and our amazing family i’ve been loved by since day one. still, that curiosity has always been there, in the back of my mind.

i have random memories of him (which is crazy because i was about 2 the last time i saw him) and a home video from christmas that year. other than that, i haven’t seen him since and knew nothing about him other than his name.

on my 16th birthday, as my best friend and i were working at the community pool, we pulled out the phone book (probably the last time i used one) and searched for his name.

we found it.

within a few minutes, i was talking to my biological father and learning about my family, including my brothers, matt and jacob, and sister, morgan. i can’t remember what else we talked about, but it blew my mind. a few days later, as my friend and i were driving to jonesboro, my phone rang and it was my brother, matt. we ended up meeting him and his girlfriend, ashley. i haven’t seen them since, but ashley and matt married and i have two adorable nephews, brooks and beck. we would randomly keep in touch, but moving to utah hindered us seeing each other.

as time went on this would be something i wouldn’t talk to many people about. i’m not sure why, really. it could be because i didn’t know where to begin or what to say. or maybe i wasn’t wanting to accept it. either way, it’s just been something i’ve kept to myself. with that being said…

flash forward to saturday, december 19th.

after hearing from him on thanksgiving and unable to meet him, i talked with my father and told him i was interested in meeting with everyone. he was so happy and more than willing. then, last night as i was driving the 3+ hours from fayetteville to my hometown, i decided to see if he would want to meet when i went through harrison. he did. and we did.

i can’t explain how it felt because i think i’m still in shock.

it’s a very surreal thing to think about. having this entire side of the family you’ve never known and who has never known you, but i’m grateful.

so, thanks to those who have listened to me freaking out over the last couple days, even if you didn’t know what to say. it’s definitely shown me who is there and who cares, and for that i’m grateful.

it seems like i’ll be meeting a few others this week, so we’ll see how it all goes haha.

until then, here’s a photo of my father and me, 27 years later.

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merriest christmas to you and yours

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i’ve seen this so many times and as much as it makes me laugh it also hits home on another level.

as i’ve said before, i’m an empath and a fixer. i care deeply for others even if i’ve known them for a short time. i can see their potential for greatness and it’s hard when they’re looking through blurred eyes, unsure of what they actually deserve.

i was recently asked by someone, “why are you so nice to me?” it was kind of in passing and the conversation went on to something else, but all i could think was, “why wouldn’t i be as nice to you as i can be? do you not know you deserve that?”

oddly enough, that person hasn’t been as nice to me as of late and it’s been interesting sorting through those emotions.

i was unknowingly forcing something because i thought i saw potential. maybe there was potential, but nothing in life can be one sided. there are so many reasons why things happen and why people come into your life. there are cop outs and excuses for why things don’t work. but that’s all they are. if something is good then it’ll work. it doesn’t make you doubt or bring negativity into your headspace. no forcing, replaying, questioning or analyzing will be necessary.

let things play out how they’re supposed to but also set boundaries.

you deserve to be happy and loved in the purest, most uplifting form without the weight of past mistakes or baggage getting in the way. i’ve written about toxic things before, but it’s something that affects everyone so i’m going to touch base on it again. we must know when something is toxic and when to let it be. it could be years in the making or something you just came across, but sometimes we must walk away. i know too many people who are surrounded by toxic people or things but are unable to release themselves. forcing something for the sake of comfort or familiarity isn’t comfortable at all. you can love someone and have a history with them, but if the history is filled with negativity, then it’s just not worth it. whether they are romantic or platonic, relationships aren’t supposed to be that difficult. ups and downs, yes, but manipulating and hurtful words, no.

learning to accept when something is no longer good for you is heartbreaking at times, but i hope we’re all able to see our self-worth and move forward to better things. the sooner we’re able to do this, the more time we have to be completely happy.

the perfect ending is just beginning

 
the truest of words

as I have said before, and will keep saying until my entire being accepts it

erase anything that does not build you up and help you excel to your most positive self

heartache will happen

you will be disappointed

but do not stay in a place you know you don’t belong

do not devour yourself in hopes of reconciling things beyond repair

demons are real, spiritually and metaphorically, and they are there to attack you at any given moment

fight with everything to love yourself and to cling to things that uplift you and back away from things that hinder you