lately

It’s almost been a year since I’ve written anything. I thought about starting with a clean slate and saying goodbye to everything on this blog, but at the end of the day I chose not to. Although my journey is a little different now, it has all led me to this point.
Some of you may be wondering what I’ve been up to the last few months, as you’ve noticed some changes in my life. I’m here to answer some of those questions, even though I don’t feel it’s really necessary. I want to be honest.
Our divorce was final the beginning of January. It wasn’t an angry divorce, but it was two people who finally decided nothing else could be done. I’ve had many people give me advice along the way, but honestly every situation is different and not all problems are meant to be fixed. I have no hard feelings about anything and I look back on it as a positive and loving learning experience. That’s really all that needs to be said.
As to what I’m doing now…
I decided to move back to Arkansas to re-group and get back on my feet. Those of you who are close to me know that I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time, especially after something like this.
I missed the South. I missed my family. I needed their support and to be closer.
I have been doing what I can to focus on what will be the best for myself. Far too often I found myself sacrificing my dreams, feelings, emotions, etc. in order to make others happy or not hurt them. I honestly just couldn’t do it anymore. I’m making a daily effort to be my best self. I mess up. All the time. That’s what life is about. You’re supposed to fall down and get discouraged. If you don’t, then you’re not really experiencing the greatness life has to offer once you’ve came out on the other side.
So here I am, tired and a little broken, but working towards greater things. It’s funny how the pieces start falling into place once you start letting go…

no title

I haven’t written in so long, though I’ve had a million words to say. There’s something I’ve needed to write down for awhile now. Maybe just to see it in print and to let others know they’re not alone. I feel like it’s almost voodoo to talk about, but it happens all too often, with countless stories left untold. I’m talking about rape. Not just rape, but my rape. Just over three years ago I was faced with what has become my greatest trial in life. People try to have the right words to say but they don’t know. No one could even begin to know without unfortunately going through it themselves. Even then each case is different. One thing is certain, though. Rape is rape. Recently there have been several instances with politicians in the media trying to “define” what rape actually is. All this does for anyone who has experienced it is make them relive it all over again. Relive the shame, fear and worthlessness that we’ve all felt at one point or another. It is a constant battle. Every day I am faced with continuing to move forward or letting it get the best of me. This has forever changed me, but it does not define me. I am the only one who has the right to do that. I’ve chosen to make my rape into as positive of a situation as it can be. I have the ability to help others and be an advocate for the victims whose stories have gone unheard. We are survivors and we are a reason to rise.

complacency

i’m flying home in 5 hours
i haven’t slept yet
probably won’t
it’s a strange feeling
one i can’t really explain
i’m excited, but indifferent
this place that i’m going
what should be “home”
is now just a place with
memories
ones i’m not sure i want to relive
people i’m not sure i want to be part of my life
i had a great childhood
for the most part
then you grow up
people change
friendships fade
now home is a place that makes me
hurt
hurt for the friends who have chosen to stay behind
wasting their lives
their potential
on meaningless temporary gratifications
which do nothing but ruin their chances
do people not see what’s out there?
a giant world
endless opportunities
how people are content with staying
in one place
forever
i’ll never understand
life is about experiencing great things
an amazing world was created for us
don’t remain stagnant
see it
enjoy it
please