lead with love 

Mercury is in retrograde and I have never felt it as much as I have this time around. Nearly every person I talk to is going through dark days, unsure of why it’s happening or how to fix it. One thing after the other has been tearing me down. I’ve felt alone, no matter what company may be around. When I did reach out to someone, I only felt rejected and inadequate. I was being “annoying” and that made me feel so much worse. Being vulnerable and confiding in someone is so hard and when you don’t feel accepted, it’s even harder.

But I know this, it has to get better. At some point, when you’ve learned whatever you’re supposed to from the shit thrown at you, it will get better.

Please know that how others treat you has nothing to do with you, and be aware of how you’re treating those around you. I’m constantly reminding myself of both these things.

There is a full moon coming up and with that, Mercury is about ready to calm the hell down. All of the exhausting mental activity and doubts will finally come to a resolve if you allow them to. It may not end how you’d like, but it will be for the best. Full Moons create closure and bring things to another level. Allow yourself the closure you need to progress.

“When we are thrown to the wolves it’s only a matter of time before we come back leading the pack.”

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a christmas reunion

this christmas is already turning out to be one for the books.

my entire life there has been this empty feeling inside not knowing my father or his side of the family. luckily, i have my mother and our amazing family i’ve been loved by since day one. still, that curiosity has always been there, in the back of my mind.

i have random memories of him (which is crazy because i was about 2 the last time i saw him) and a home video from christmas that year. other than that, i haven’t seen him since and knew nothing about him other than his name.

on my 16th birthday, as my best friend and i were working at the community pool, we pulled out the phone book (probably the last time i used one) and searched for his name.

we found it.

within a few minutes, i was talking to my biological father and learning about my family, including my brothers, matt and jacob, and sister, morgan. i can’t remember what else we talked about, but it blew my mind. a few days later, as my friend and i were driving to jonesboro, my phone rang and it was my brother, matt. we ended up meeting him and his girlfriend, ashley. i haven’t seen them since, but ashley and matt married and i have two adorable nephews, brooks and beck. we would randomly keep in touch, but moving to utah hindered us seeing each other.

as time went on this would be something i wouldn’t talk to many people about. i’m not sure why, really. it could be because i didn’t know where to begin or what to say. or maybe i wasn’t wanting to accept it. either way, it’s just been something i’ve kept to myself. with that being said…

flash forward to saturday, december 19th.

after hearing from him on thanksgiving and unable to meet him, i talked with my father and told him i was interested in meeting with everyone. he was so happy and more than willing. then, last night as i was driving the 3+ hours from fayetteville to my hometown, i decided to see if he would want to meet when i went through harrison. he did. and we did.

i can’t explain how it felt because i think i’m still in shock.

it’s a very surreal thing to think about. having this entire side of the family you’ve never known and who has never known you, but i’m grateful.

so, thanks to those who have listened to me freaking out over the last couple days, even if you didn’t know what to say. it’s definitely shown me who is there and who cares, and for that i’m grateful.

it seems like i’ll be meeting a few others this week, so we’ll see how it all goes haha.

until then, here’s a photo of my father and me, 27 years later.

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merriest christmas to you and yours

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the perfect ending is just beginning

 
the truest of words

as I have said before, and will keep saying until my entire being accepts it

erase anything that does not build you up and help you excel to your most positive self

heartache will happen

you will be disappointed

but do not stay in a place you know you don’t belong

do not devour yourself in hopes of reconciling things beyond repair

demons are real, spiritually and metaphorically, and they are there to attack you at any given moment

fight with everything to love yourself and to cling to things that uplift you and back away from things that hinder you

the art of experience

when i left utah a little over a year ago i would’ve never thought i’d miss it. ever. i was so burnt out on life and situational problems that i just needed to leave. i didn’t plan, i just left. at the time, it was exactly what i needed to do.

i had the opportunity to spend 10 days in utah a couple weeks ago. i can’t begin to explain what i felt when i saw the mountains again. all i could do was take pictures of them – up the canyon, from the freeway, on the side of the road…everywhere. there’s something about being enveloped in nature like that – surrounded by things so much bigger than yourself – physically and spiritually.

i spent one morning alone, driving through the canyon and thinking about my life over the last 16 months. what goals have i set for myself and how close am i to reaching them? what lessons have i learned? i’m closer now than i was at the beginning, but i got stuck in the middle. having time in utah to clear my head and rededicate my mind to following through with things is what i needed.

i’ve lost friends, made new ones and realized who and what i really need in my life. there’s a lot of bullshit out there and people who aren’t helping you grow as a person or inspiring you to do great things. sorting through it can be hard because once you do it’s easy to feel like you wasted a lot of time and energy on things that didn’t really matter. luckily, there’s always some good to pull out of the experience – and as mark groves (@createthelove) said, “experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.” it’s so true. you gain experiences, you learn from them, and you keep going. and there’s nothing wrong with that.

as i work on finishing school i know that arkansas isn’t where i’ll always be. i get told that maybe one day i’ll find a place where i’m happy but the thing is – it has nothing to do with not being happy. regardless of external struggles i have never felt this happy and this much myself. i know that i have so much to give as a person and when there’s nothing tying you down there’s no reason to stay in one place.

some people understand that and some don’t.
and that’s okay.
the world needs both types of people.

and no matter who you are, the experiences will continue. enjoy them no matter the outcome.

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