Category: Relationships

cheers to the good, cheers to the release

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We were temporary
Momentary
Yet I miss every little thing about you
The good things
The things that made me feel
Safe
Cared for
The look in your eyes like I was the only one
In the morning
The way you would wrap me up
Pull me as close as you could
Make me feel secure
Safe
Your nose against mine
Your kiss on my forehead
Neck
When you thought I was sleeping
Your sweet smile
Not knowing the entire time it was empty
On your behalf
Not listening to those who said
“he’ll never change”
Hearing the words that tore me down
Pushed me away
Feeling weak yet strong
Because I saw more in you
More than you even see in yourself
I am picking up pieces from something
That never was
Picking myself up and learning that sometimes
You care for someone who will never feel the same
But to keep going
It will come and you’ll be appreciated
That it’s okay to feel
I’d rather give it all
Be broken and mending
Continue giving
And for that I’m grateful

taking responsibility 

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One of the biggest lessons I’ve been learning recently is how I come across to others, and how to make sure it’s positive. For a long time, I would think, “sorry if they don’t understand my sarcasm or this or that…it’s not my fault they got offended.” Which is a crappy, crappy way of thinking. I would make excuses or not even realize I was saying anything hurtful.

There’s been such a stigma placed around feelings…having them, expressing them, showing them…heaven forbid you make someone uncomfortable by any of this. It’s turned into the fault of the person with the feelings instead of those who wronged them.

Lately, I’ve been mending a friendship in which I was the one hurting the other person. I wasn’t listening like I should’ve been and I was taking things out on a friend who cared about me. It wasn’t intentional, but I took ownership of my jerk behavior and things have gotten better. Had that person not spoken up, I may not have ever realized how much hurt I was causing.

Just recently, I dealt with this on the receiving end. I was told by someone I really care for, “sorry you got your feelings hurt.”

No, I didn’t “get” my feelings hurt.

Your actions hurt my feelings.

Taking responsibility for how we treat others seems to be lacking these days. We do what we can to remove ourselves from responsibility in order to not feel bad about it. All this does it hurt people more. I’m grateful that I have the capacity to love people, even when they hurt me, but also know when I’ve done all I can do.

If someone in your life isn’t treating you well, then speak up. If they truly care, they will accept it and you can work through it together. Not everyone knows when they’re hurting another person. What really matters is how they respond when you tell them.

Louis C. K. gets it, so you should, too.

“When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.”

“When someone opens up and reveals that they have been hurt by you, they are being vulnerable. It’s not always easy to admit that you’ve been hurt, and if someone tells you that you’ve hurt them, the least you owe them is your respect and acknowledgment of their pain. The worst thing that you can do is make them feel bad for opening up to you, make them feel like they’re the one who did something wrong, or tell them that you didn’t actually hurt them. You don’t know their feelings. If they’re telling you that you hurt them, then you hurt them. Accept this and apologize.”

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lead with love 

Jocelyn Coffman1 Comment

Mercury is in retrograde and I have never felt it as much as I have this time around. Nearly every person I talk to is going through dark days, unsure of why it’s happening or how to fix it. One thing after the other has been tearing me down. I’ve felt alone, no matter what company may be around. When I did reach out to someone, I only felt rejected and inadequate. I was being “annoying” and that made me feel so much worse. Being vulnerable and confiding in someone is so hard and when you don’t feel accepted, it’s even harder.

But I know this, it has to get better. At some point, when you’ve learned whatever you’re supposed to from the shit thrown at you, it will get better.

Please know that how others treat you has nothing to do with you, and be aware of how you’re treating those around you. I’m constantly reminding myself of both these things.

There is a full moon coming up and with that, Mercury is about ready to calm the hell down. All of the exhausting mental activity and doubts will finally come to a resolve if you allow them to. It may not end how you’d like, but it will be for the best. Full Moons create closure and bring things to another level. Allow yourself the closure you need to progress.

“When we are thrown to the wolves it’s only a matter of time before we come back leading the pack.”

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a christmas reunion

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this christmas is already turning out to be one for the books.

my entire life there has been this empty feeling inside not knowing my father or his side of the family. luckily, i have my mother and our amazing family i’ve been loved by since day one. still, that curiosity has always been there, in the back of my mind.

i have random memories of him (which is crazy because i was about 2 the last time i saw him) and a home video from christmas that year. other than that, i haven’t seen him since and knew nothing about him other than his name.

on my 16th birthday, as my best friend and i were working at the community pool, we pulled out the phone book (probably the last time i used one) and searched for his name.

we found it.

within a few minutes, i was talking to my biological father and learning about my family, including my brothers, matt and jacob, and sister, morgan. i can’t remember what else we talked about, but it blew my mind. a few days later, as my friend and i were driving to jonesboro, my phone rang and it was my brother, matt. we ended up meeting him and his girlfriend, ashley. i haven’t seen them since, but ashley and matt married and i have two adorable nephews, brooks and beck. we would randomly keep in touch, but moving to utah hindered us seeing each other.

as time went on this would be something i wouldn’t talk to many people about. i’m not sure why, really. it could be because i didn’t know where to begin or what to say. or maybe i wasn’t wanting to accept it. either way, it’s just been something i’ve kept to myself. with that being said…

flash forward to saturday, december 19th.

after hearing from him on thanksgiving and unable to meet him, i talked with my father and told him i was interested in meeting with everyone. he was so happy and more than willing. then, last night as i was driving the 3+ hours from fayetteville to my hometown, i decided to see if he would want to meet when i went through harrison. he did. and we did.

i can’t explain how it felt because i think i’m still in shock.

it’s a very surreal thing to think about. having this entire side of the family you’ve never known and who has never known you, but i’m grateful.

so, thanks to those who have listened to me freaking out over the last couple days, even if you didn’t know what to say. it’s definitely shown me who is there and who cares, and for that i’m grateful.

it seems like i’ll be meeting a few others this week, so we’ll see how it all goes haha.

until then, here’s a photo of my father and me, 27 years later.

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merriest christmas to you and yours

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