cheers to the good, cheers to the release

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We were temporary
Momentary
Yet I miss every little thing about you
The good things
The things that made me feel
Safe
Cared for
The look in your eyes like I was the only one
In the morning
The way you would wrap me up
Pull me as close as you could
Make me feel secure
Safe
Your nose against mine
Your kiss on my forehead
Neck
When you thought I was sleeping
Your sweet smile
Not knowing the entire time it was empty
On your behalf
Not listening to those who said
“he’ll never change”
Hearing the words that tore me down
Pushed me away
Feeling weak yet strong
Because I saw more in you
More than you even see in yourself
I am picking up pieces from something
That never was
Picking myself up and learning that sometimes
You care for someone who will never feel the same
But to keep going
It will come and you’ll be appreciated
That it’s okay to feel
I’d rather give it all
Be broken and mending
Continue giving
And for that I’m grateful

the art of experience

when i left utah a little over a year ago i would’ve never thought i’d miss it. ever. i was so burnt out on life and situational problems that i just needed to leave. i didn’t plan, i just left. at the time, it was exactly what i needed to do.

i had the opportunity to spend 10 days in utah a couple weeks ago. i can’t begin to explain what i felt when i saw the mountains again. all i could do was take pictures of them – up the canyon, from the freeway, on the side of the road…everywhere. there’s something about being enveloped in nature like that – surrounded by things so much bigger than yourself – physically and spiritually.

i spent one morning alone, driving through the canyon and thinking about my life over the last 16 months. what goals have i set for myself and how close am i to reaching them? what lessons have i learned? i’m closer now than i was at the beginning, but i got stuck in the middle. having time in utah to clear my head and rededicate my mind to following through with things is what i needed.

i’ve lost friends, made new ones and realized who and what i really need in my life. there’s a lot of bullshit out there and people who aren’t helping you grow as a person or inspiring you to do great things. sorting through it can be hard because once you do it’s easy to feel like you wasted a lot of time and energy on things that didn’t really matter. luckily, there’s always some good to pull out of the experience – and as mark groves (@createthelove) said, “experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.” it’s so true. you gain experiences, you learn from them, and you keep going. and there’s nothing wrong with that.

as i work on finishing school i know that arkansas isn’t where i’ll always be. i get told that maybe one day i’ll find a place where i’m happy but the thing is – it has nothing to do with not being happy. regardless of external struggles i have never felt this happy and this much myself. i know that i have so much to give as a person and when there’s nothing tying you down there’s no reason to stay in one place.

some people understand that and some don’t.
and that’s okay.
the world needs both types of people.

and no matter who you are, the experiences will continue. enjoy them no matter the outcome.

sig1