if one quote could sum up this year it is this:
“these mountains you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb”
how often do we hold on and fight without realizing we’re fighting against nothing? the things we’re holding on to have let go long ago and we are drowning ourselves in our own pride, afraid to fail and barely staying above water. i’ve written about letting go before but there is always something to let go of, don’t you think? i fell in love, fell apart, and fell back together in so many ways over the last 12 months. i brought things into this year that should’ve been left in the year before. i thought i knew what rock bottom was until i was actually there and i’ve spent the last 5 months digging myself out.
i can say that i am leaving this year as a completely different version of myself than how i entered.
turning 30 has shown me how much age doesn’t matter. how i can still call my mom crying, wishing she could fix everything with a band-aid. that you still get crushes and get crushed. that you don’t have everything figured out when you think you will. above all, it has shown me that not everyone is on your side and will stick by when it all falls apart. and that’s okay.
30 has been the perfect year to redefine my close circle.
you will not be understood by everyone, but man did i spend a lot of time trying to make people understand. to sympathize. to be there. when those people were temporary and never supposed to stay to see me at my best. the ones who immediately tear you down or question you, instead of lifting you up and believing in you, those are the temporary ones…meant to stay for a lesson but not a lifetime.
forcing things, relationships, jobs, etc. not aligned with your vision will never work out.
so stop carrying it all,
stop trying so damn hard,
and lay down the mountains.
Mercury is in retrograde and I have never felt it as much as I have this time around. Nearly every person I talk to is going through dark days, unsure of why it’s happening or how to fix it. One thing after the other has been tearing me down. I’ve felt alone, no matter what company may be around. When I did reach out to someone, I only felt rejected and inadequate. I was being “annoying” and that made me feel so much worse. Being vulnerable and confiding in someone is so hard and when you don’t feel accepted, it’s even harder.
But I know this, it has to get better. At some point, when you’ve learned whatever you’re supposed to from the shit thrown at you, it will get better.
Please know that how others treat you has nothing to do with you, and be aware of how you’re treating those around you. I’m constantly reminding myself of both these things.
There is a full moon coming up and with that, Mercury is about ready to calm the hell down. All of the exhausting mental activity and doubts will finally come to a resolve if you allow them to. It may not end how you’d like, but it will be for the best. Full Moons create closure and bring things to another level. Allow yourself the closure you need to progress.
“When we are thrown to the wolves it’s only a matter of time before we come back leading the pack.”
the truest of words
as I have said before, and will keep saying until my entire being accepts it
erase anything that does not build you up and help you excel to your most positive self
heartache will happen
you will be disappointed
but do not stay in a place you know you don’t belong
do not devour yourself in hopes of reconciling things beyond repair
demons are real, spiritually and metaphorically, and they are there to attack you at any given moment
fight with everything to love yourself and to cling to things that uplift you and back away from things that hinder you
As humans, I believe we are innately negative, always quick to criticize and kick ourselves when we’re most vulnerable. In all things there must be a balance of forces, energies, etc. If we are the negative, then what is the positive? In my eyes the balance is the universe and nature. I am most happy and at peace when I am outside soaking in the replenishing sunlight or enjoying the white, crisp beauty of winter. Even the calming stillness of the night comforts my weary mind. Sitting on this porch right now I can see all the colors changing around me. This is much like myself. I’m working towards this transformation and understanding of the person I am supposed to be. As the leaves transform so do my thoughts and personal expectations. Now is the time for me to let go of all that has been holding me back: fear, resentment, doubt, and uncertainty. With the passing of summer and color comes the passing of the things that were a hindrance in me moving forward. For me, the winter months are a time of reflecting and rebuilding. Preparing you for the next phase of life. I will seek shelter and comfort in myself because I know I’m capable of it. I am strong enough. I have family and friends and I’m so thankful for them, but working on me is the most important. If you’re unable to let go of the weight of negativity and let the universe balance you out, then you’re not going to fully enjoy what life has to offer. A close friend recently told me that I needed to allow myself to feel and have emotions instead of shutting it all down. The more you push sadness and pain aside, the more it builds up. Feel it when it comes and allow the positive aspects of life to help you work through it. I look forward in anticipation. I have been given so many great things in life so far, and I know it will only get better. All the ebbs and flows in this life tally up to make you the person you are supposed to be. Let the bad days come, then let them go. Let them go. Stay focused on the goodness ahead and it will be there.