when i left utah a little over a year ago i would’ve never thought i’d miss it. ever. i was so burnt out on life and situational problems that i just needed to leave. i didn’t plan, i just left. at the time, it was exactly what i needed to do.
i had the opportunity to spend 10 days in utah a couple weeks ago. i can’t begin to explain what i felt when i saw the mountains again. all i could do was take pictures of them – up the canyon, from the freeway, on the side of the road…everywhere. there’s something about being enveloped in nature like that – surrounded by things so much bigger than yourself – physically and spiritually.
i spent one morning alone, driving through the canyon and thinking about my life over the last 16 months. what goals have i set for myself and how close am i to reaching them? what lessons have i learned? i’m closer now than i was at the beginning, but i got stuck in the middle. having time in utah to clear my head and rededicate my mind to following through with things is what i needed.
i’ve lost friends, made new ones and realized who and what i really need in my life. there’s a lot of bullshit out there and people who aren’t helping you grow as a person or inspiring you to do great things. sorting through it can be hard because once you do it’s easy to feel like you wasted a lot of time and energy on things that didn’t really matter. luckily, there’s always some good to pull out of the experience – and as mark groves (@createthelove) said, “experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.” it’s so true. you gain experiences, you learn from them, and you keep going. and there’s nothing wrong with that.
as i work on finishing school i know that arkansas isn’t where i’ll always be. i get told that maybe one day i’ll find a place where i’m happy but the thing is – it has nothing to do with not being happy. regardless of external struggles i have never felt this happy and this much myself. i know that i have so much to give as a person and when there’s nothing tying you down there’s no reason to stay in one place.
some people understand that and some don’t.
and that’s okay.
the world needs both types of people.
and no matter who you are, the experiences will continue. enjoy them no matter the outcome.
As humans, I believe we are innately negative, always quick to criticize and kick ourselves when we’re most vulnerable. In all things there must be a balance of forces, energies, etc. If we are the negative, then what is the positive? In my eyes the balance is the universe and nature. I am most happy and at peace when I am outside soaking in the replenishing sunlight or enjoying the white, crisp beauty of winter. Even the calming stillness of the night comforts my weary mind. Sitting on this porch right now I can see all the colors changing around me. This is much like myself. I’m working towards this transformation and understanding of the person I am supposed to be. As the leaves transform so do my thoughts and personal expectations. Now is the time for me to let go of all that has been holding me back: fear, resentment, doubt, and uncertainty. With the passing of summer and color comes the passing of the things that were a hindrance in me moving forward. For me, the winter months are a time of reflecting and rebuilding. Preparing you for the next phase of life. I will seek shelter and comfort in myself because I know I’m capable of it. I am strong enough. I have family and friends and I’m so thankful for them, but working on me is the most important. If you’re unable to let go of the weight of negativity and let the universe balance you out, then you’re not going to fully enjoy what life has to offer. A close friend recently told me that I needed to allow myself to feel and have emotions instead of shutting it all down. The more you push sadness and pain aside, the more it builds up. Feel it when it comes and allow the positive aspects of life to help you work through it. I look forward in anticipation. I have been given so many great things in life so far, and I know it will only get better. All the ebbs and flows in this life tally up to make you the person you are supposed to be. Let the bad days come, then let them go. Let them go. Stay focused on the goodness ahead and it will be there.
As I sit in this familiar, safe place I can’t help but wonder how I got to this point in life. There are days when I couldn’t be more happy and thankful, then there are days like recently when I’ve felt like a part of me is missing. Like somewhere along the journey I dropped an important piece of myself. I keep searching…searching my mind, books, people and nature. Still I can’t find it. I don’t even know what I’m looking for. My heart aches for adventure and yet I feel stuck, unable to move forward in any direction. I’m so unsure of what I want or where I want to be that I self-sabotage. I take opportunities away from myself before I even realize it. Deep down I have a grasp on who I can be, but she’s buried away like someone fighting for their last breath. So deep in doubt and fear that I don’t know when or how she’ll surface. It’s a daily fight to be my best self and not be defined by superficial things. I’m constantly trying to forge my way through the muck in my head and come out on the other side. I want to live a full life. I want to truly fall in love and know that even my most broken self is loved by someone else and that, together, we can make it. I’m working towards mending my mind and heart so I can take advantage of this life I lead and the beautiful world I’m able to be a part of. There’s no use wasting what you’ve been given just because you may not feel worthy of it.
I remember when I didn’t need to be in a relationship, or even want to be in one. It was a long time ago. For the past few years I have sought companionship. I found it in a relationship which led to a marriage that ended. Since then I’ve sought company in dating and friendships. Along the way I sort of lost myself. There are times when I’m trying so hard to not be alone that I forget who I am. I forget how much I really do love sitting in my room, listening to music, writing in my journal and reading books. If you’re constantly seeking out what you’re doing next and with whom, it becomes monotonous. You can become burnt out on the mere thought of socializing with people. This is how I’ve felt recently. I’ve made so many new friends since I moved back and I’m so lucky to have them, but it can get exhausting. I’m still working through the muck of starting my life over. I hit the reset button. Endless possibilities are in front of me, but right now I’m just staring at a blank wall. I’ve neglected myself and me time in fear that I would miss out on something. What I’ve really been missing out on is finding myself again.
“Solitude is the most important practice of all. It grounds you in what is and helps you escape from what you think should be. It is both infuriating and freeing for just that reason: it leaves you alone to see who you are and what you do; more importantly, it leaves you alone to see the real essence of what it is to be a person, the good, the bad, the downright odd and ugly. It leaves you no choice but to contemplate the bigger picture, the underlying reasoning, the way things are.”