seeking solitude

I remember when I didn’t need to be in a relationship, or even want to be in one. It was a long time ago. For the past few years I have sought companionship. I found it in a relationship which led to a marriage that ended. Since then I’ve sought company in dating and friendships. Along the way I sort of lost myself. There are times when I’m trying so hard to not be alone that I forget who I am. I forget how much I really do love sitting in my room, listening to music, writing in my journal and reading books. If you’re constantly seeking out what you’re doing next and with whom, it becomes monotonous. You can become burnt out on the mere thought of socializing with people. This is how I’ve felt recently. I’ve made so many new friends since I moved back and I’m so lucky to have them, but it can get exhausting. I’m still working through the muck of starting my life over. I hit the reset button. Endless possibilities are in front of me, but right now I’m just staring at a blank wall. I’ve neglected myself and me time in fear that I would miss out on something. What I’ve really been missing out on is finding myself again.

“Solitude is the most important practice of all. It grounds you in what is and helps you escape from what you think should be. It is both infuriating and freeing for just that reason: it leaves you alone to see who you are and what you do; more importantly, it leaves you alone to see the real essence of what it is to be a person, the good, the bad, the downright odd and ugly. It leaves you no choice but to contemplate the bigger picture, the underlying reasoning, the way things are.”

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