a christmas reunion

Jocelyn CoffmanLeave a comment

this christmas is already turning out to be one for the books.

my entire life there has been this empty feeling inside not knowing my father or his side of the family. luckily, i have my mother and our amazing family i’ve been loved by since day one. still, that curiosity has always been there, in the back of my mind.

i have random memories of him (which is crazy because i was about 2 the last time i saw him) and a home video from christmas that year. other than that, i haven’t seen him since and knew nothing about him other than his name.

on my 16th birthday, as my best friend and i were working at the community pool, we pulled out the phone book (probably the last time i used one) and searched for his name.

we found it.

within a few minutes, i was talking to my biological father and learning about my family, including my brothers, matt and jacob, and sister, morgan. i can’t remember what else we talked about, but it blew my mind. a few days later, as my friend and i were driving to jonesboro, my phone rang and it was my brother, matt. we ended up meeting him and his girlfriend, ashley. i haven’t seen them since, but ashley and matt married and i have two adorable nephews, brooks and beck. we would randomly keep in touch, but moving to utah hindered us seeing each other.

as time went on this would be something i wouldn’t talk to many people about. i’m not sure why, really. it could be because i didn’t know where to begin or what to say. or maybe i wasn’t wanting to accept it. either way, it’s just been something i’ve kept to myself. with that being said…

flash forward to saturday, december 19th.

after hearing from him on thanksgiving and unable to meet him, i talked with my father and told him i was interested in meeting with everyone. he was so happy and more than willing. then, last night as i was driving the 3+ hours from fayetteville to my hometown, i decided to see if he would want to meet when i went through harrison. he did. and we did.

i can’t explain how it felt because i think i’m still in shock.

it’s a very surreal thing to think about. having this entire side of the family you’ve never known and who has never known you, but i’m grateful.

so, thanks to those who have listened to me freaking out over the last couple days, even if you didn’t know what to say. it’s definitely shown me who is there and who cares, and for that i’m grateful.

it seems like i’ll be meeting a few others this week, so we’ll see how it all goes haha.

until then, here’s a photo of my father and me, 27 years later.

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merriest christmas to you and yours

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a letter to myself

Jocelyn CoffmanLeave a comment

“Some days, I want to crawl into a ball and cry myself into a coma. But then I remind myself that every action is a contribution to furthering the chaos or to choosing to champion beauty.”

Overwhelmed.

That word sums up how I have felt since the semester started. I think of everything I have to do and I feel frozen. But, if we take the time to plan and realize what is most important, things will work themselves out. It’s easy to push things off and do almost everything besides what you’re supposed to, but you’re making it much more difficult for yourself. It’s all a matter of where you’re focusing your energy and what you’re allowing to have a hold on you. I’ve realized recently how much alone time I need compared to how much I actually let myself have. Taking time to refocus your energy on things that build your spirit far outweighs the fear of missing out. You will be just fine. Trust me. Make decisions that will contribute to your overall well-being, self-love, and happiness. Don’t let past mistakes and absurdities hinder who you are and what you’re capable of. Just because you did something yesterday doesn’t mean it has to affect today or tomorrow. You are given so many chances to get your shit together and keep going, but you have to allow yourself to do so. As long as you’re nurturing yourself nothing else really matters. You’ll be able to focus on school, your relationships will flourish, you’ll be happier at work, and the little things won’t phase you anymore. Let go of negativity and make a conscious effort to be positive in all things. Eventually, it’ll become second nature and you’ll wonder why you ever let those negative thoughts hold you back.

Choose to champion beauty.

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Jocelyn CoffmanLeave a comment

 
i’ve seen this so many times and as much as it makes me laugh it also hits home on another level.

as i’ve said before, i’m an empath and a fixer. i care deeply for others even if i’ve known them for a short time. i can see their potential for greatness and it’s hard when they’re looking through blurred eyes, unsure of what they actually deserve.

i was recently asked by someone, “why are you so nice to me?” it was kind of in passing and the conversation went on to something else, but all i could think was, “why wouldn’t i be as nice to you as i can be? do you not know you deserve that?”

oddly enough, that person hasn’t been as nice to me as of late and it’s been interesting sorting through those emotions.

i was unknowingly forcing something because i thought i saw potential. maybe there was potential, but nothing in life can be one sided. there are so many reasons why things happen and why people come into your life. there are cop outs and excuses for why things don’t work. but that’s all they are. if something is good then it’ll work. it doesn’t make you doubt or bring negativity into your headspace. no forcing, replaying, questioning or analyzing will be necessary.

let things play out how they’re supposed to but also set boundaries.

you deserve to be happy and loved in the purest, most uplifting form without the weight of past mistakes or baggage getting in the way. i’ve written about toxic things before, but it’s something that affects everyone so i’m going to touch base on it again. we must know when something is toxic and when to let it be. it could be years in the making or something you just came across, but sometimes we must walk away. i know too many people who are surrounded by toxic people or things but are unable to release themselves. forcing something for the sake of comfort or familiarity isn’t comfortable at all. you can love someone and have a history with them, but if the history is filled with negativity, then it’s just not worth it. whether they are romantic or platonic, relationships aren’t supposed to be that difficult. ups and downs, yes, but manipulating and hurtful words, no.

learning to accept when something is no longer good for you is heartbreaking at times, but i hope we’re all able to see our self-worth and move forward to better things. the sooner we’re able to do this, the more time we have to be completely happy.

sorry, not sorry

Jocelyn CoffmanLeave a comment

if there is one thing i do excessively it is to apologize for no reason. it is something that i’m just beginning to realize and notice in my daily life…and something that hinders me greatly at times. instead of taking a stand and backing up my views or feelings, i apologize for it. but why? i believe it comes from years and years of other people, mainly romantic relationships, placing blame on me for something that isn’t right instead of admitting their fault and working through it together. (i.e. i have actually blamed MYSELF for being cheated on before. what?) it has led me to think i’m not good enough and to feel almost depressed at times. accepting fault for things i didn’t do has created a version of myself that i’m not happy with that sneaks up on me from time to time. i know i’m an amazing person. i know i deserve everything good coming my way. i know i’m not doing anything wrong. for a long time i equated confidence with conceit and would cower down to avoid someone being upset with me. i’ll immediately apologize for absolutely nothing then overthink things and turn them into issues in my head. it has become second-nature to me, so much that i don’t even realize i’m doing it. having it pointed out to me recently has been like a blow to my head and heart, but it was needed. i am constantly growing and learning more about myself. there is a time and place for apologies, but it is never when you’re being yourself. no one should apologize for being themselves and for having their own views and opinions about things. if you don’t like something, learn to say no instead of apologizing. don’t apologize for going about your business in ways that are necessary to your well-being. as women, i feel like we work very hard to be polite. we don’t want to step on toes or cause a rift. we smile and go on our way. so, when we get upset, in fear that the person or situation we’re upset with will come crashing down on us, we apologize. for no damn reason. this, in turn can make you look weak, which i know for certain i’m not. own your shit and go on. stop apologizing (unless it is ACTUALLY warranted) and be confident in yourself as a person with a brain and emotions.

“life is about the choice to show up and be real. the choice to be honest. the choice to let our true selves be seen.”

no apologies.
no exceptions.

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