Our past year together has been bittersweet. In the midst of all the trials, heartache and tears there was also endless smiling and laughter. When you came along I was ending a marriage and beginning a new chapter of my life. I was full of uncertainty and doubt. I spent the first few months in a haze; always doing something and being around new and old friends. I wasn’t processing through anything. It was during that time when I was with someone who opened my eyes to love again. And I fell. I fell and he wasn’t there to catch me. You see, I’ve learned that age doesn’t matter. You can be 24, 31 or 57. Everyone has their own demons and self-doubts that they’re fighting on a daily basis. They can seem to have it together in certain parts of their lives, but other areas may be a mess. After months of questioning things and trying to figure out what the hell I was doing, I succumbed to everything I had been avoiding. My demons came forward and I had to face them. I had to begin taking some sort of action or else I wouldn’t have made it. I had to begin letting myself feel. All the emotions I had suppressed needed to be accepted and worked through.

“Pain demands to be felt.”

You can’t ignore it. You can’t run from it. Sometimes you can’t just let things go…you have to sit with it a bit, feel the weight of it, then work through it. It doesn’t happen over night and I’m learning to be okay with that. We are a society of instant gratification, but when dealing with the heart, mind, and soul we sometimes have to wait it out. Patience isn’t my strong suit so I definitely struggle with this. Life will always happen. The absolutely terrible days will come, then you’ll eventually see the silver lining. The greatest thing I finally learned this year is something I’ve been told my entire life…

it’s okay to ask for help.

We aren’t meant to go through struggles alone. No one should suffer in silence, but it takes a lot to be vulnerable.

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”

Not knowing if other people will be there and accept your flaws is terrifying, but it’s when you’re open to the possibility of hurt that you grow the most. It’s in those moments that you receive so much more out of life. 2014, you have taught me to love wholeheartedly even if it’s not reciprocated. To help others, but also to set boundaries. Not everyone is ready to see your bare soul. What I do know is that I feel more certain about who I am and where I’m going than I have in a long time. I have clear goals and opportunities ahead that I have to take advantage of. I know I have the capability to give and receive love. The dark times have shed so much light on what’s to come, and despite the heartache I will not close myself off.

You broke my heart, opened my eyes, and showed me who I am. So thank you for all you’ve given me, 2014, but I have to let you go.

I must release you so I can release myself.