i’ve been living with depression for a very long time. for the most part, i’ve tried dealing with it on my own. the last few months have been a whirlwind of emotion and feeling like i was constantly keeping myself from drowning. i was afraid to talk about it. afraid of admitting defeat in some way. it took several people constantly pointing out my flaws and me almost believing them before realizing it was the depression taking over. taking away my motivation or general care for anything. i would surround myself with people for the mere sake of not having to be alone. once i was home, i was there, with the weight of it all. depression can be disguised as many things…laziness, passiveness, underperformance, loss of interest. these aren’t normal ways of living or normal things to feel. if you or someone you know is showing these signs, then ask questions. a simple “how are you?” could’ve saved me on so many days. just knowing someone truly cared. it’s a hard thing to admit to yourself, let alone someone else, so sometimes having another person bring it into question can make the most difference. i’ve finally admitted to myself that i can’t do it on my own.

 

know that you’re not alone and that it is a very real thing.

“Some days, I want to crawl into a ball and cry myself into a coma. But then I remind myself that every action is a contribution to furthering the chaos or to choosing to champion beauty.”

Overwhelmed.

That word sums up how I have felt since the semester started. I think of everything I have to do and I feel frozen. But, if we take the time to plan and realize what is most important, things will work themselves out. It’s easy to push things off and do almost everything besides what you’re supposed to, but you’re making it much more difficult for yourself. It’s all a matter of where you’re focusing your energy and what you’re allowing to have a hold on you. I’ve realized recently how much alone time I need compared to how much I actually let myself have. Taking time to refocus your energy on things that build your spirit far outweighs the fear of missing out. You will be just fine. Trust me. Make decisions that will contribute to your overall well-being, self-love, and happiness. Don’t let past mistakes and absurdities hinder who you are and what you’re capable of. Just because you did something yesterday doesn’t mean it has to affect today or tomorrow. You are given so many chances to get your shit together and keep going, but you have to allow yourself to do so. As long as you’re nurturing yourself nothing else really matters. You’ll be able to focus on school, your relationships will flourish, you’ll be happier at work, and the little things won’t phase you anymore. Let go of negativity and make a conscious effort to be positive in all things. Eventually, it’ll become second nature and you’ll wonder why you ever let those negative thoughts hold you back.

Choose to champion beauty.

It’s easy to get caught up in your head and worry about things you shouldn’t. Why does work, at a place you care about, have to be so stressful? How will I finish all these projects for school? How will I have money for everything I need? Have I eaten today? Does he/she even like me or want to talk to me? Will my apartment ever be organized? All of these negative thoughts run through my mind too often. If you’re allowing the negativity to creep in, then others will see it. It will manifest in ways you may not even realize, and in the process you will push people away when you don’t want to. You’ll get behind and feel overwhelmed. And eventually you’ll crash and burn.

That’s what I’ve allowed to happen – I say allow because it’s up to me and no one else.

I’m taking a mid-week break to reset and come back to earth. As I sit here and reflect on all the good, I realize the other things will work themselves out. I have too much amazing shit around me to be anything but happy. The universe has aligned over and over again to teach me lessons and bring new things into my life. There is no reason for me to deny myself the simple pleasure of existing. We cannot receive blessings if we are putting up blocks that prevent our own happiness. No event, deadline or person has the power to make you unhappy. At all. So why are we letting these things dictate the daily joy we deserve? Hear me when I say – we deserve all the happiness. This journey we’re on comes a day at a time. We have a chance to learn new lessons — about life, ourselves, and others — every. single. day. These lessons help complete us and our human experience. Be aware of the energy you’re bringing into the spaces and relationships in your life. If you feel the negativity creeping in, take a step back, regroup, and refocus. Don’t let something fall apart solely because you were in the wrong headspace. Negativity restricts your world and you deserve the full experience. Nothing worth having around will leave, so let go of what doesn’t stay and be stoked for all that is to come. You have no idea what lies ahead. If you trust the process and let things play out how they’re supposed to instead of unknowingly sabotaging everything, you’ll be blessed beyond measure. How amazing is that? You have the power to make it all worthwhile.

Make this ride more fun, loving and positive for yourself and those around you.