2014 • the year of letting go

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Our past year together has been bittersweet. In the midst of all the trials, heartache and tears there was also endless smiling and laughter. When you came along I was ending a marriage and beginning a new chapter of my life. I was full of uncertainty and doubt. I spent the first few months in a haze; always doing something and being around new and old friends. I wasn’t processing through anything. It was during that time when I was with someone who opened my eyes to love again. And I fell. I fell and he wasn’t there to catch me. You see, I’ve learned that age doesn’t matter. You can be 24, 31 or 57. Everyone has their own demons and self-doubts that they’re fighting on a daily basis. They can seem to have it together in certain parts of their lives, but other areas may be a mess. After months of questioning things and trying to figure out what the hell I was doing, I succumbed to everything I had been avoiding. My demons came forward and I had to face them. I had to begin taking some sort of action or else I wouldn’t have made it. I had to begin letting myself feel. All the emotions I had suppressed needed to be accepted and worked through.

“Pain demands to be felt.”

You can’t ignore it. You can’t run from it. Sometimes you can’t just let things go…you have to sit with it a bit, feel the weight of it, then work through it. It doesn’t happen over night and I’m learning to be okay with that. We are a society of instant gratification, but when dealing with the heart, mind, and soul we sometimes have to wait it out. Patience isn’t my strong suit so I definitely struggle with this. Life will always happen. The absolutely terrible days will come, then you’ll eventually see the silver lining. The greatest thing I finally learned this year is something I’ve been told my entire life…

it’s okay to ask for help.

We aren’t meant to go through struggles alone. No one should suffer in silence, but it takes a lot to be vulnerable.

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”

Not knowing if other people will be there and accept your flaws is terrifying, but it’s when you’re open to the possibility of hurt that you grow the most. It’s in those moments that you receive so much more out of life. 2014, you have taught me to love wholeheartedly even if it’s not reciprocated. To help others, but also to set boundaries. Not everyone is ready to see your bare soul. What I do know is that I feel more certain about who I am and where I’m going than I have in a long time. I have clear goals and opportunities ahead that I have to take advantage of. I know I have the capability to give and receive love. The dark times have shed so much light on what’s to come, and despite the heartache I will not close myself off.

You broke my heart, opened my eyes, and showed me who I am. So thank you for all you’ve given me, 2014, but I have to let you go.

I must release you so I can release myself.

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look forward.

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As humans, I believe we are innately negative, always quick to criticize and kick ourselves when we’re most vulnerable. In all things there must be a balance of forces, energies, etc. If we are the negative, then what is the positive? In my eyes the balance is the universe and nature. I am most happy and at peace when I am outside soaking in the replenishing sunlight or enjoying the white, crisp beauty of winter. Even the calming stillness of the night comforts my weary mind. Sitting on this porch right now I can see all the colors changing around me. This is much like myself. I’m working towards this transformation and understanding of the person I am supposed to be. As the leaves transform so do my thoughts and personal expectations. Now is the time for me to let go of all that has been holding me back: fear, resentment, doubt, and uncertainty. With the passing of summer and color comes the passing of the things that were a hindrance in me moving forward. For me, the winter months are a time of reflecting and rebuilding. Preparing you for the next phase of life. I will seek shelter and comfort in myself because I know I’m capable of it. I am strong enough. I have family and friends and I’m so thankful for them, but working on me is the most important. If you’re unable to let go of the weight of negativity and let the universe balance you out, then you’re not going to fully enjoy what life has to offer. A close friend recently told me that I needed to allow myself to feel and have emotions instead of shutting it all down. The more you push sadness and pain aside, the more it builds up. Feel it when it comes and allow the positive aspects of life to help you work through it. I look forward in anticipation. I have been given so many great things in life so far, and I know it will only get better. All the ebbs and flows in this life tally up to make you the person you are supposed to be. Let the bad days come, then let them go. Let them go. Stay focused on the goodness ahead and it will be there.10460227_10152858497787847_5212927238935628986_n

on the mend

Jocelyn Coffman1 Comment
As I sit in this familiar, safe place I can’t help but wonder how I got to this point in life. There are days when I couldn’t be more happy and thankful, then there are days like recently when I’ve felt like a part of me is missing. Like somewhere along the journey I dropped an important piece of myself. I keep searching…searching my mind, books, people and nature. Still I can’t find it. I don’t even know what I’m looking for. My heart aches for adventure and yet I feel stuck, unable to move forward in any direction. I’m so unsure of what I want or where I want to be that I self-sabotage. I take opportunities away from myself before I even realize it. Deep down I have a grasp on who I can be, but she’s buried away like someone fighting for their last breath. So deep in doubt and fear that I don’t know when or how she’ll surface. It’s a daily fight to be my best self and not be defined by superficial things. I’m constantly trying to forge my way through the muck in my head and come out on the other side. I want to live a full life. I want to truly fall in love and know that even my most broken self is loved by someone else and that, together, we can make it. I’m working towards mending my mind and heart so I can take advantage of this life I lead and the beautiful world I’m able to be a part of. There’s no use wasting what you’ve been given just because you may not feel worthy of it.
Keep going.

seeking solitude

Jocelyn CoffmanLeave a comment
I remember when I didn’t need to be in a relationship, or even want to be in one. It was a long time ago. For the past few years I have sought companionship. I found it in a relationship which led to a marriage that ended. Since then I’ve sought company in dating and friendships. Along the way I sort of lost myself. There are times when I’m trying so hard to not be alone that I forget who I am. I forget how much I really do love sitting in my room, listening to music, writing in my journal and reading books. If you’re constantly seeking out what you’re doing next and with whom, it becomes monotonous. You can become burnt out on the mere thought of socializing with people. This is how I’ve felt recently. I’ve made so many new friends since I moved back and I’m so lucky to have them, but it can get exhausting. I’m still working through the muck of starting my life over. I hit the reset button. Endless possibilities are in front of me, but right now I’m just staring at a blank wall. I’ve neglected myself and me time in fear that I would miss out on something. What I’ve really been missing out on is finding myself again.

“Solitude is the most important practice of all. It grounds you in what is and helps you escape from what you think should be. It is both infuriating and freeing for just that reason: it leaves you alone to see who you are and what you do; more importantly, it leaves you alone to see the real essence of what it is to be a person, the good, the bad, the downright odd and ugly. It leaves you no choice but to contemplate the bigger picture, the underlying reasoning, the way things are.”